The Process of Recovery

I AM BACK.

I haven't blogged in ages and I feel kinda bad about it because I enjoy it, so why haven't I been doing it?

Well, the reason is, lately I've been a little ill. My depression and anxiety came back with a vengeance in January (not fun) which means that I had to postpone my January exams after having a panic attack in my Organic Chemistry exam (definitely not fun). So you could say the last couple of months haven't been too great, but I think I'm starting to move forward a little and come up with more effective ways of coping, ie. wine does not work, however good it tastes. I think I'll write a blog post soon on how I've come up with these ideas and basically my experience in recovery and what works for me and what doesn't.

It's currently the Easter holidays, (or vacation as my Uni calls it - eugh) and so I have a little more time to start writing again and share more science-y things. I've also realised since I stopped blogging for a while, just how useful and beneficial it is to me and to my health. Having a little rant about something and distracting yourself from your own mind is a good thing sometimes. :)

Difficult Decisions

When I first applied for University, I wanted to do a year in Industry as I thought this would help improve my employability prospects and make me stand out. I'm now in my second year and have been preparing to send applications to companies etc. However, no matter hard I try, I can't quite find it in me to send them. It has been overwhelming (and not in a good way).

In the last few days, something has dawned on me. I'm not cut out for this and it's just not for me. This has knocked me sideways as I've always been the kind of student who has 'succeeded' at everything and given things a try even if I didn't really want to because I knew it would be good for me in the long run. Now this has come along and a multitude of factors is making me dread my year in Industry. Recently my mental health hasn't been tip-top so I'm really worried about spending a year alone in a random place with no one to go home to cry to (really). Also, I've realised that I actually kind of don't want to do this. It's an entire year of my life that I will be spending doing research and development or some other activity. A year is a long time and seeing as I'm unsure whether I want to do it right now, what happens if I have to spend an entire year there and I hate it? 

I'm still really confused as to whether I should move 'down' on to the straight MChem course and so I've written some lists of pros and cons:

Pros of staying on the Industry course

• Return to Uni in fourth year with more lab experience
• Be more employable
• A year free of exams 
• It looks good on my CV

Cons of staying on the Industry course

• I don't really want to do it
• My mental health isn't that great at the moment
• The stress of actually applying
• Having to complete uni modules whilst working 9-5 at a company

Looking at these lists it's almost clear to me what decision to make, however being told I can 'move down' to the straight MChem course is something that I don't like to hear. People treat it like I would be taking a step backwards and be less of a successful scientist and I don't know if I can take that idea, as I've always been the kind of student who has been good. I've always been the best, and I don't quite know how to cope with not being the best and not succeeding at something. I can't quite grasp the idea that maybe this course is not for me, because I've never experienced that before and I suppose I'd feel a bit like a failure.


Any advice is appreciated, as I'm sure you'll guess, I'm a little clueless.

Mental Health and University

This post is a little off the topic of science, however I feel it's important to discuss it.

Mental Health. It's a tough one and sometimes it's incredibly difficult to talk about. I was someone who didn't discuss anything that was going on in my head for a very long time and as a result, I made myself much worse. University can also be a particularly stressful environment to be in. Deadlines, lectures to attend, meetings, etc. can really get on top of you. But don't worry, there is help at hand. Most universities are so used to dealing with mental health issues and will have a full network of people dedicated to helping people just like us. So here are my tips for coping with a mental illness at University.

1. Seek Help - I mean it. Don't do what I did and try and manage it by yourself for years on end and don't be too proud to go to the Doctor's. It's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. If you think about it, you probably wouldn't be ashamed of going to your GP with an ongoing physical illness, would you? So be brave and seek the help you need and deserve. :-)
2. Medication can be good - Sometimes your Doctor will suggest putting you on medication to alleviate some of the symptoms of your illness. This isn't always a bad thing. At first when my GP suggested putting me on Citalopram, this filled me with fear. I didn't like the idea of relying on a tablet to make me feel better and I wondered what I would do when I was taken off them. This was rather silly of me. Whilst I acknowledge that medication isn't for everyone, it can help. It doesn't cure your illness, but can help you feel well enough to tackle it and take steps to recover. Personally, I think they're worth a try if needs be, as I don't think that I would have been brave or have felt well enough to go to my counselling appointments if I didn't have my medication to give me that boost in mood. 
3. Let people know - This is important. Like, really important. Let your lecturers and tutor know as well as your friends and flatmates if you feel close enough to them. You may be able to get extended deadlines on assignments or extra help if you need it. Whilst your course guides may not be experts on mental health, they do want you to pass your course and be willing to help you do that. If you have an extended period of time off, it's also easier to explain if they know about your illness before hand. 
4. Socialise - Even though Uni is possibly the most social place on Earth, it's easy to let your thoughts and illness get the better of you and hide yourself away. No good will come of this. Believe me, because I did it. The more you get yourself out there and talk to people, the more friends you will make, and potentially build a greater network of people who can support you and help you.
5. Relax - I am someone who finds it incredibly difficult to relax. I panic and worry about every situation bad or good and this really isn't needed when you're at University and you already have enough to do. Try and be organised and get assignments done on time so you can have some time to yourself to relax.
6. Try not to drink too much - At University you will most probably be surrounded by alcohol. But if you have a mental illness, alcohol isn't going to help. I enjoy a drink occasionally but I try to avoid getting drunk as alcohol is a depressant and obviously won't help you overcome illnesses like depression. Look after yourself. Also, some medication advises that you don't drink, so it's probably not best to take your medication and then go and get smashed.

How to cope when people aren't supportive. 

This is probably my area of expertise and is quite personal, but I'll share it because I know there will be someone who is going through the same. To explain: I told one of my close (close) family members about my depression. This was probably one of the worse decisions I ever made. Whilst I acknowledge that you simply can't understand depression without experiencing it yourself, they really do not understand and some of their comments have made me feel even more depressed. From simple comments like 'Pull yourself together' and 'Why do you look so miserable? For God's sake cheer up!' to things that are much worse and I don't wish to repeat.

When you're trying to recover from a mental illness, it's not helpful in any way to be around people like this, regardless of how much you may love them. I sometimes dread coming home from University simply because I know my anxiety levels and depression will go through the roof, my self-harming also gets much worse. But this summer I have devised my own strategy for coping, which can only be good.  :-)

1. Get out of the house as much as possible - I see my friends, other family members or just go for a walk on my own. I try to do this everyday, just to have time to myself and clear my head. Also the fresh air really helps with managing my depression. 
2. Ignore comments - This is the most difficult one. Whenever someone makes an ignorant comment or is unsupportive in any way, try to ignore them. I have let so many hurtful comments get to me and make me feel much worse about myself. To deal with it, I like to imagine that I have a physical illness and that person has just made the exact same comment. Would they make that comment if you were physically ill, probably not. Whilst not letting it define you, you are allowed to acknowledge that you're ill and that people are sometimes ignorant.
3. Find Hobbies - Since I have been around the house a lot more this summer as I don't currently have a job. I have found that keeping hobbies helps distract me if I feel down. There also great to hide in your room with if people aren't being supportive and you're finding them difficult to be around. I think the best hobbies are something that involves your full attention so you can properly distract yourself from potential situations that could make you feel worse. One of the reasons I set up my blog was precisely this, to escape when I need to. I love writing and discussing things I'm passionate about, so this really helps. I also read and if all else fails, clean. Cleaning is really good to take your attention away from things. 
4. Remember to keep a network of people who are supportive. If you don't have anyone, there are some great organisations out there who can help alleviate loneliness and make you feel better. Some good ones are: Mindfull, Black Dog Tribe, Sane, Student Minds, Time to Change, and loads more. 

These are my main strategies for coping around unsupportive people (especially those you can't escape from). I hope they are useful in some way. :-)

Reclaiming happiness...

Serotonin is without a doubt my favourite molecule. Its action as a neurotransmitter regulates so many processes and is involved in regulating; sleep, appetite, memory and of course mood, just to name a few, which is why it is so fascinating to me.

A neurotransmitter is a chemical that travel from one synapse to another, transmitting a signal. Serotonin is one of many neurotransmitters but I feel especially close to serotonin (as geeky as that may sound). I've struggled with depression, anxiety and body dysmorphic disorder for a few years now, yet was only diagnosed at the beginning of this year (I'll leave the rant about mental health care for young people out of this). Serotonin levels are widely believed to play a role in depression, although it's not known whether low levels cause depression or depression causes low levels. As most people know, because serotonin plays a role in regulating mood, when you have depression your serotonin levels are lower than they should be, leaving you feeling down.

80% of our body's serotonin is in the gut [1] (although some sources say 90%? I'm not sure), leaving 20% circulating in the central nervous system. I read somewhere once that 'Depression is a flaw in chemistry, not character.' and it's completely true, so many glitches can leave your brain with low levels of serotonin; lack of tryptophan, from which serotonin is made, lack of receptor sites so serotonin can't bind, or just simply that your brain doesn't produce as much serotonin as it should.

I love it so much, I have a necklace of a serotonin molecule

For my depression I was put on citalopram, an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) which increase levels of serotonin in your brain, making you feel better. Usually, after a serotonin molecule has transmitted a signal it's reabsorbed. SSRIs stop them from being absorbed, increasing your levels of serotonin. It's so odd to me that increasing levels of one chemical in my brain leaves me in a much better mood.

Moral of the story? Serotonin is fab.

Check out http://www.theserotoninproject.com/ for a little piece of happiness :)