The Process of Recovery

I AM BACK.

I haven't blogged in ages and I feel kinda bad about it because I enjoy it, so why haven't I been doing it?

Well, the reason is, lately I've been a little ill. My depression and anxiety came back with a vengeance in January (not fun) which means that I had to postpone my January exams after having a panic attack in my Organic Chemistry exam (definitely not fun). So you could say the last couple of months haven't been too great, but I think I'm starting to move forward a little and come up with more effective ways of coping, ie. wine does not work, however good it tastes. I think I'll write a blog post soon on how I've come up with these ideas and basically my experience in recovery and what works for me and what doesn't.

It's currently the Easter holidays, (or vacation as my Uni calls it - eugh) and so I have a little more time to start writing again and share more science-y things. I've also realised since I stopped blogging for a while, just how useful and beneficial it is to me and to my health. Having a little rant about something and distracting yourself from your own mind is a good thing sometimes. :)

Exciting things to come!

I haven't written a blog post in almost a month which is very unlike me, so I thought I would update you on what is happening in my bubble.

I've got some really exciting events coming up, thanks to Fran at Social Sheffield. - We're going to TedX Sheffield where there are going to be some amazing speakers (I've already been researching and googling them), then the week after I'm attending an event here in Sheffield called 'Celebrating Modern Feminism' hosted by Laura Bates, who is the founder of the Everyday Sexism Project. Fingers crossed that because we have press passes, we may get to do a quick interview with her. (It's a feminists dream!).

Also coming up is the Stemettes Hackathon this weekend, which I am volunteering at. I got a press pass for the event, but the Stemettes kindly Dm'ed me on Twitter and asked me if I want to volunteer as well, which is lovely of them. I'm excited to throw myself into the world of code, it'll be fun to learn something new!

Uni wise, revision has begun.

I REPEAT. REVISION HAS BEGUN. 

It's that time already. I feel as if I've been back for five minutes but it's only 2 months until exams and this year I'm determined to ace them. I can do it! :-)

Having the Passion to Succeed

I've discovered in the last year that to truly be successful at what you do, exam grades and tests are not the most important thing. Sure, they may have an effect on what courses you can apply for, but there is something way more powerful than exam scores.

At the end of my first year of University, I had to achieve a 60% average in my core modules. I scraped through with 62.5%, not my proudest moment, especially as I didn't actually achieve anything higher than a 2:2 in any of my summer exams. I was actually surprised by my own reaction to this. If it had been a couple of years ago at A-level, I probably would have had a meltdown and cried. Instead, I simply planned how to improve and how to win over companies that I would be applying to the following year. At this moment in time, I don't have the greatest exam record at Uni, my results are nothing special, but I intend to make them so. I have passion.

My passion for my subject is what drives me to do well and succeed. I'm not the kind of student who gets by by doing the bare minimum and although my results aren't the greatest, my love for my subject extends beyond the boundaries of the syllabus. I go out and meet people, network and share my excitement with other people and in a way, I think that makes me more of a scientists than amazing grades do. I love attending events where I get to meet fellow scientists, learn something new and be part of it all. Learning is my favourite thing. I spend hours in the library, not because I have to but because I want to and one day I will be where I want to be.

I may not be the most intelligent person on my course, but I am the most passionate and I will never give up. Follow my blog with Bloglovin

'An Astronaut's Guide to Life on Earth'

Disclaimer: I admit that I'm extremely late jumping on the bandwagon by reading this book, but space exploration is something I've only recently become interested in, thanks to all the amazing astrophysicists I follow on Twitter. So thanks, spacey people. I applaud you. 

Probably one of the best books I have ever read, 'An Astronauts Guide to Life on Earth' is a self-help guide as much as it is a fabulous tale about Chris Hadfields experiences both on Earth and in space. I had to stop myself from reading it all in one day just so I could savour how good it is and I can't recommend it enough, especially to those people like me who at times don't have a lot of faith in themselves when it comes to achieving their dreams. It's truly inspiring and I just can't praise it enough.

Chris has faced so many knock-backs and unfortunate circumstances, some of which he couldn't control, like being Canadian! He knew there was a slim chance of NASA ever wanting to send a Canadian into space when there were so many Americans wanting to fulfil the role. Yet, he never let this stop him. Instead, he persevered and worked hard, becoming a fighter pilot, working weekends and completing extra training exercises in the hope of taking a step closer to becoming an astronaut. He says at the beginning of the book that he has wanted to be an astronaut since he was nine years old and first saw the moon-landing. Since that day he has taken every measure possible in order to achieving that and it's amazing that someone can be so dedicated to a particular goal.

Chris Hadfield

Whilst not everyone wants to be an astronaut, Hadfield provides valuable advice for people pursuing any career. He talks about the power of negative thinking and truly being ready for anything that may stand in your way of achieving your goals. Possibly the best thing I took away from the book is the quote coined by NASA- 'Working the Problem'. It's a methos NASA use of approaching a problem by 'descending a tree' and working through the problem in a logical and methodical way, covering all possibilities. The problem could be anything from a fire on-board the ISS or a complex maths problem, yet the process is still the same. I've tried to incorporate this quote into my way of thinking when I encounter a tough question that must be solved. It gives you a lot of faith that you actually can succeed if you in overcoming an obstacle that requires 'out of the box thinking'. There is always a solution.

The book is full of amazing career advice and tips, particularly to never measure your success by whether you achieve your goals the way you wanted to. Working hard and enjoying the journey is just as important as the final destination, because we might not always end up where we originally planned and if we measure our success on our journey's-end then we will always feel disappointed. This has filled me with optimism about returning to University to work hard, prepare and enjoy myself.

It's not all deep life-lessons though.  Before reading this book, I knew nothing about life in space, simply because I've never been and as I said earlier, it's only just become an interest of mine. I was really happy to discover it's exactly as I imagined it. Reading about the physical effects on the astronauts bodies both in space and when they return to Earth is amazing. By the sounds of it though, it all seems very worthwhile. The stories of races under zero gravity through the ISS to gather bubble wrap, preparing breakfast and carrying out scientific experiments by having to stick test tubes to the walls via Velcro. It's all fascinating. I can only imagine what it's like to look out of the window and see the Earth. It must be incredibly beautiful. If you haven't read 'An Astronauts Guide to Life on Earth', please do. I can't stress how brilliant it is.

A summer of Learning

I haven't been blogging as regularly as I would like to lately, but I've been busy travelling all over the country this summer. I'll be back up and blogging properly on Saturday as that's when I return from my holiday and will have an actual laptop to type posts up on (using my phone is quite fiddly). This summer, I've definitely explored more of my interests and also things that i didn't previously take any interest in or didn't know anything about.

I've almost finished reading 'An astronauts guide to life on Earth' by Chris Hadfield and so an in-depth review of that is coming up as its one of the best books I've ever read. As I said, I've been exploring new fields this summer and so an influx of very mis-matched posts are to be expected. It's all part of the fun though. :-)

Mental Health and University

This post is a little off the topic of science, however I feel it's important to discuss it.

Mental Health. It's a tough one and sometimes it's incredibly difficult to talk about. I was someone who didn't discuss anything that was going on in my head for a very long time and as a result, I made myself much worse. University can also be a particularly stressful environment to be in. Deadlines, lectures to attend, meetings, etc. can really get on top of you. But don't worry, there is help at hand. Most universities are so used to dealing with mental health issues and will have a full network of people dedicated to helping people just like us. So here are my tips for coping with a mental illness at University.

1. Seek Help - I mean it. Don't do what I did and try and manage it by yourself for years on end and don't be too proud to go to the Doctor's. It's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. If you think about it, you probably wouldn't be ashamed of going to your GP with an ongoing physical illness, would you? So be brave and seek the help you need and deserve. :-)
2. Medication can be good - Sometimes your Doctor will suggest putting you on medication to alleviate some of the symptoms of your illness. This isn't always a bad thing. At first when my GP suggested putting me on Citalopram, this filled me with fear. I didn't like the idea of relying on a tablet to make me feel better and I wondered what I would do when I was taken off them. This was rather silly of me. Whilst I acknowledge that medication isn't for everyone, it can help. It doesn't cure your illness, but can help you feel well enough to tackle it and take steps to recover. Personally, I think they're worth a try if needs be, as I don't think that I would have been brave or have felt well enough to go to my counselling appointments if I didn't have my medication to give me that boost in mood. 
3. Let people know - This is important. Like, really important. Let your lecturers and tutor know as well as your friends and flatmates if you feel close enough to them. You may be able to get extended deadlines on assignments or extra help if you need it. Whilst your course guides may not be experts on mental health, they do want you to pass your course and be willing to help you do that. If you have an extended period of time off, it's also easier to explain if they know about your illness before hand. 
4. Socialise - Even though Uni is possibly the most social place on Earth, it's easy to let your thoughts and illness get the better of you and hide yourself away. No good will come of this. Believe me, because I did it. The more you get yourself out there and talk to people, the more friends you will make, and potentially build a greater network of people who can support you and help you.
5. Relax - I am someone who finds it incredibly difficult to relax. I panic and worry about every situation bad or good and this really isn't needed when you're at University and you already have enough to do. Try and be organised and get assignments done on time so you can have some time to yourself to relax.
6. Try not to drink too much - At University you will most probably be surrounded by alcohol. But if you have a mental illness, alcohol isn't going to help. I enjoy a drink occasionally but I try to avoid getting drunk as alcohol is a depressant and obviously won't help you overcome illnesses like depression. Look after yourself. Also, some medication advises that you don't drink, so it's probably not best to take your medication and then go and get smashed.

How to cope when people aren't supportive. 

This is probably my area of expertise and is quite personal, but I'll share it because I know there will be someone who is going through the same. To explain: I told one of my close (close) family members about my depression. This was probably one of the worse decisions I ever made. Whilst I acknowledge that you simply can't understand depression without experiencing it yourself, they really do not understand and some of their comments have made me feel even more depressed. From simple comments like 'Pull yourself together' and 'Why do you look so miserable? For God's sake cheer up!' to things that are much worse and I don't wish to repeat.

When you're trying to recover from a mental illness, it's not helpful in any way to be around people like this, regardless of how much you may love them. I sometimes dread coming home from University simply because I know my anxiety levels and depression will go through the roof, my self-harming also gets much worse. But this summer I have devised my own strategy for coping, which can only be good.  :-)

1. Get out of the house as much as possible - I see my friends, other family members or just go for a walk on my own. I try to do this everyday, just to have time to myself and clear my head. Also the fresh air really helps with managing my depression. 
2. Ignore comments - This is the most difficult one. Whenever someone makes an ignorant comment or is unsupportive in any way, try to ignore them. I have let so many hurtful comments get to me and make me feel much worse about myself. To deal with it, I like to imagine that I have a physical illness and that person has just made the exact same comment. Would they make that comment if you were physically ill, probably not. Whilst not letting it define you, you are allowed to acknowledge that you're ill and that people are sometimes ignorant.
3. Find Hobbies - Since I have been around the house a lot more this summer as I don't currently have a job. I have found that keeping hobbies helps distract me if I feel down. There also great to hide in your room with if people aren't being supportive and you're finding them difficult to be around. I think the best hobbies are something that involves your full attention so you can properly distract yourself from potential situations that could make you feel worse. One of the reasons I set up my blog was precisely this, to escape when I need to. I love writing and discussing things I'm passionate about, so this really helps. I also read and if all else fails, clean. Cleaning is really good to take your attention away from things. 
4. Remember to keep a network of people who are supportive. If you don't have anyone, there are some great organisations out there who can help alleviate loneliness and make you feel better. Some good ones are: Mindfull, Black Dog Tribe, Sane, Student Minds, Time to Change, and loads more. 

These are my main strategies for coping around unsupportive people (especially those you can't escape from). I hope they are useful in some way. :-)

Reclaiming happiness...

Serotonin is without a doubt my favourite molecule. Its action as a neurotransmitter regulates so many processes and is involved in regulating; sleep, appetite, memory and of course mood, just to name a few, which is why it is so fascinating to me.

A neurotransmitter is a chemical that travel from one synapse to another, transmitting a signal. Serotonin is one of many neurotransmitters but I feel especially close to serotonin (as geeky as that may sound). I've struggled with depression, anxiety and body dysmorphic disorder for a few years now, yet was only diagnosed at the beginning of this year (I'll leave the rant about mental health care for young people out of this). Serotonin levels are widely believed to play a role in depression, although it's not known whether low levels cause depression or depression causes low levels. As most people know, because serotonin plays a role in regulating mood, when you have depression your serotonin levels are lower than they should be, leaving you feeling down.

80% of our body's serotonin is in the gut [1] (although some sources say 90%? I'm not sure), leaving 20% circulating in the central nervous system. I read somewhere once that 'Depression is a flaw in chemistry, not character.' and it's completely true, so many glitches can leave your brain with low levels of serotonin; lack of tryptophan, from which serotonin is made, lack of receptor sites so serotonin can't bind, or just simply that your brain doesn't produce as much serotonin as it should.

I love it so much, I have a necklace of a serotonin molecule

For my depression I was put on citalopram, an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) which increase levels of serotonin in your brain, making you feel better. Usually, after a serotonin molecule has transmitted a signal it's reabsorbed. SSRIs stop them from being absorbed, increasing your levels of serotonin. It's so odd to me that increasing levels of one chemical in my brain leaves me in a much better mood.

Moral of the story? Serotonin is fab.

Check out http://www.theserotoninproject.com/ for a little piece of happiness :)